Anger Fantasy

I'm trying not to lean into my anger but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that fantasizes about putting up a big sign in my yard that reads: 

“Don’t bother waving your fake-nice ‘Hello’ at me as you drive by. I won’t reciprocate - I'll barely even look at you long enough to notice. You can decide that makes me a bitch. Frankly, my opinion of you all is much worse. I’ve lived here 7 months and not a single one of you has bothered to knock on my door and say, ‘Welcome to the neighborhood.’ Instead, you drive past me with your fake smiles and then turn around and shoot my dog to death right in front of me. You ignore me while I scrub his blood off my porch on my hands and knees. You hide in the comfortable anonymity of your homes rather than come out and say, ‘I’m sorry.’ Fuck ALL of you. 

PS - Say something about how long my grass is getting, assholes. I dare you.”

I didn't put a sign in my yard, but I did have a pretty spectacular meltdown in my kitchen about a month after Bane died. All it took was a tiny mishap with a piece of wainscoting. I screamed so loud it shook the stemware. I screamed for the unfairness and for the pain of losing my dog the way I did. He didn't deserve that kind of death and I didn't deserve to watch it happen. My fuck-up didn't deserve the consequence it got. I wilted to the cold tile and screamed until I couldn't breathe. It's cathartic to let the animal in you have its day, sometimes.

I know that I don't want to dwell in anger. After a while, all it does is eat me up. But, ignoring anger just creates a whole other set of problems. So, I let it have its moment and I did it in a way that didn't end up hurting me or anyone else. I feel a little better - not perfect, but less like I've got a lid screwed on tightly over mounting pressure. Eventually, maybe I'll even smile at one of my neighbors while I'm out for a walk. Eventually, maybe I'll say, "Hello." It won't be today, but...eventually.